Smelling like a rose
by artemis of isles
Summary: one shot, a parody of how Ron got rich and a girl.


Smelling Like a Rose  
summary: a fair-tale parody of how Ron got rich and a girl.  
rate: PG  
word count: 796  
AN: I shamelessly borrowed Roald Dahl's Revolting Poem Jack and Bean Stalk.  
Anything you recognise is not mine. All rights belong to Dahl and JKR.  
  
Ron's Mum said, "we're stony broke,  
Go out 'n find some wealthy bloke  
'o'll buy our owl. Jus' say she's sound  
and worth at least a hundred pound.  
But don't you dare let him know  
that she's a as old as billy-o."  
  
Ron took the old gray owl away  
and came back later in the day  
and said "Oh mumsy, dear! Guess what  
your clever little boy's got!  
I got, I really don't know how,  
a super tradin' for our owl."  
The mother said "You little creep!  
I bet you sold her much too cheep!"  
  
When Ron produced one lousy bean,  
startled mother Molly turning green  
leapt high up in the air and cried  
"I'm absolutely stupified!  
You crazy boy, do you really mean  
you sold our Errol for a bean!"  
She snatched the bean; she yelled "You chump!"  
and flung it on the rubbish dump.  
Then summoning up all her power  
She Tarantallegra-ed him jigging for half an hour  
and nothing could be more meaner,  
she sent him to bed without a scrape of a dinner.  
  
At ten p.m. or there about  
the little bean began to sprout  
By morning it'd grown so tall  
you couldn't see the top at all.  
Agog Ron cried, "Mum, admit it now,  
it's better than a rotten owl."  
Mother Molly said "You lunatic!  
Where's the beans that I can pick!  
There's not one bean, it's as bare as bare!"  
"Bloody hell!" cried Ron "Mum look up there!  
Look very high and you'll behold  
each single leaf is what, solid gold!"  
  
By golly, it came the boy was right!  
Now glistening in the morning light  
Mum Molly actually perceived  
a mass of rustling golden leaves.  
She yells out loud "My sainted souls!  
I'll sell them many by a rolls!  
Don't stand there gape, you little clot!  
Get up there quick and grab the lot!"  
  
Ron was eager; Ron was keen  
He scrambled up the mighty bean.  
Up, up he went without a stop.  
But just as he was near the top  
a ghastly frightening thing occurred.  
Not far above his head he heard  
a sweet girlie voice, a dreamy thing,  
made the very heaven's sing  
It chanted out loud, "Fe-fi-fo-fum  
I smell the scent of an English man!"  
  
Ron was frightened; Ron was quick.  
Down he climbed in half a tick.  
"Oh, Mum!" he gasped "Believin' me!  
there is something nasty up our tree!  
I saw her, Mum! My gizzard froze!  
A Lunny with a clever nose!"  
Mum Molly hissed "A clever nose!  
You must be going round the twist!"  
"she smelled me out. I swear it, Mum.  
'e said 'e smelled an English man!"  
the mother said, "well, 'e might!  
Told you every single night  
to take a bath because you smell!  
But, would you do it? Would you how?  
You even make you mother shriek  
because of you unholy stink!"  
  
Ron answered "well, if you're so clean  
why don't you climb the crazy bean?"  
His mother cried "By God! I will!  
There's a life in the old dog still!"  
She hitched her skirt above her knee  
and disappeared right up the tree  
  
Now would Luna smell his mum?  
Ron listen for the Fe-fo-fum.  
He gazed the loft; He wondered  
when the dreaded words would come  
  
Then, from somewhere high above the ground  
that came a frightful dreamy sound.  
He heard Luna mutter twice  
"My gosh, having a Mum is very nice!  
Although, and this' in grumpy tone,  
I wish she weren't so fond of maroon."  
  
"Aye, Christopher!" Ron cried "My gum!  
Lunny's eaten up my mum!  
'e smelled her out she's in her belly  
I had a hunch that my Mum was smelly  
  
Ron stood there gazing longingly  
upon the huge and golden tree.  
He murmured softly "Golly gosh!  
I guess I have to take a wash  
if I am going to climb this tree  
without Lunny smelling me.  
In fact a bath is my only hope."  
He rushed indoors grab the soap.  
He scraped his body everywhere  
even washed and rinsed his hair  
He did his teeth; he blew his nose  
And went out smelling like a rose  
  
Once more he climbed the mighty bean  
Luna sat there staring and serene  
Muttering through her pearly teeth  
while Ron sat tensely just beneath  
Muttering loud " Fe-fi-fo-fum,  
Right now I can't smell anyone."  
Ron waited till Luna slept  
Then out along the boughs he crept  
And gathered so much gold, I swear,  
He was an instant millionaire.  
  
Then creeping up the tree to the maximum  
He was looking for the left of his mum  
but his mum was knitting a jumper safe and sound  
Luna was really a ravishing little bun and blonde  
"a bath does seem to pay."  
He said, "I'm going to have one every day." 


End file.
